Wednesday, May 6, 2009


You know those celebrities that you hate, for no good reason, other than they just make you want to throw your head back and curse their name unto the heavens, like Shatner in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan? Of course you do. It's that totally irrational side of you - the part thinking an Oreos/pickles combination isn't just for pregnancy cravings, and suspects maybe you don't like Bob Dylan as much as legally required for your age/sex/general demographic.

My celebrity is Agyness Deyn. That's not even her real name, by the way: according to infallible fount of knowlege Wikipedia, she was nee Laura Hollis, a moniker so pedestrian for our little clotheshorse that she had to shed it altogether, galloping into the future with a confusing and hard-to-spell new handle. She is a model. She is British. She is my age. She drives me fucking crazy.

Look, I won't deny that she's a pretty girl - my sour grapes regarding Ms. Deyn don't also render me blind. However, and I know this isn't scientific or anything - her face also reminds me of a lot of other people. She is pretty...but no like, breathtaking gorgeous or breaking the mold or anything. In any case, she's all Top Model now, and like Kate Moss, has the power to start trends. Unlike Kate Moss, who sometimes dresses a little like a pirate but is usually pretty classy, Deyn dresses like a mental patient. Actually, worse. She doesn't even have the benefit of the green and streamlined hospital gown. For example: shredded demin. Deyn was its Patient Zero, but it's since infected F-list "celebrities." The Dreaded Shredded will soon be moving on to the type irritating tween girls who hang out in front of convenience stores. I hate those girls.

Anyway, I find Kate Moss amusing and sort of youthfully grand-dame-ish, especially when she shows up to events looking like she should be awarded to someone. I don't feel that way about Deyn. I feel like she wears clothes that are an elaborate practical joke or designed for maximum attention grabbing - all those colours! All that mesh! All the layered scarves and bowler hats and two-toned shoes! Somehow, she manages to be both boring and crazy. I'm afraid and sleepy at the same time.

The only - only! - redeeming factor in the ongoing Deynery (shit, that's a weird word) is that she inspired her very own rhyming House of Holland teeshirt, encouraging all of us to "flick yer bean for Agyness Deyn." While I'll be doing no such thing (I'm getting frisky with Linda Evangelista, thanks) a public nod to masturbation is okay. I guess. I'm still frothing slightly with inexplicable rage, but it's been mollified slightly. Slightly. However, if I catch anyone parading around my city in a mesh-and-polka-dot shirt, I am going to have SERIOUS WORDS with this person.

1 comment:

  1. You're so funnyyyy. Obviously you don't have a life of your own that's why you're just cursing "celebs". Dahling, it's what you call "insecurities" Is HATING all you wanna do for the rest of your life? Hahahaha! Funny how you fucking hate Agyness as hell were in fact, she don't give a damn about you or worst she doesn't know you! :) AGYNESS IS THE REAL DEAL, MAN! :) You hate her maybe because you don't know anything about fashion. So yeaaaaah, that's why you can't understand her! Uh-oh! :)

    You better just FLICK YER BEAN FOR AGYNESS DEAN!!!! :)