Monday, May 4, 2009

The Death of Skinny Jeans (Finally)

It's been said before but, like, skinny jeans? Why? Why won't they go away? I feel like in the last year, there have been at least three dozen articles about how the wide-leg pant is back, how the skinny jean is over, and yet. AND YET. I keep seeing them all over Toronto! Dudes, ladies - but especially dudes, because a big fat "yuck" goes out to guys with skinny pants - why can we not let this die?

I went to high school in that tragic late-'90s period that spawned the raver pants. I'll admit, those monstrosities were no better (I was always worried that they would somehow get sucked into an escalator, creating havoc at the mall), but at least you didn't have to weigh 90 pounds to pull them off. And at least people weren't required by law to pair them with adorable flats or spiky shoes. Or, in The Ugly Times (summer 2008), gladiator sandals. In defense of the indefensibly unattractive gladiator sandal, at least they remind some people of light bondage, which is sexy in an unexpected-on-the-street way. But skinny jeans reminds me of the extra fat on my ass. And, apparently, my ankles.

I know the Holy Fashion Combination of Kate Moss + article of clothing = instant trend was what kick-started this one (along with purses big enough to double as luggage, and vests, and belting your torso, and huge sunglasses, and a myriad of other trends immediately knocked off by Kirsten Dunst), but holy cats, people: she is a fashion model. She is professionally 100 pounds. That's her job. The rest of us look like assholes. I know "dress for your body!" is one of those Mom-style chunks of advice that makes fashionable people roll their eyes, but I am not lying when I say skinny jeans look good on literally 1% of the population. Their continued presence in the fashion pantheon makes me want to chew my tongue off in frustration.

I've tried on skinny jeans and all but threw myself off a cliff in despair. Apparently, I have a choice between being stylish (-ish...since all your Finer Fashion People have long since poo-poo'ed the skinny trouser as being passe and hopelessly outdated and have since moved on to harem pants, which...yeah, I hate those too) and looking half-way attractive. I guess people who hated bellbottoms were just as unhappy all through the 1970s as they were railing against huge flares.
I know fashion runs in cycles.
I know that I should just keep dressing for my own body, instead of the imaginary body I wish I have but don't.
I know that eventually, hipster boys will quit wearing size 2 jeans and reurn to a roomier trouser that allows me to daydream about squadrons of skateboarding fellas (my training ground for crushing out).
I know that one day, perhaps in the distant future, women will not be forced to choose between teeny-tiny pantalons or ugly shorts from Old Navy. That some modicum of sanity will be reinstated. That a more forgiving, flattering silhouette will be celebtrated. That I, sometime in the future, will triumph with some sort of skinny-jean kryptonite, and I won't be reduced to tripping these fashion queens right out of their adorable flats.
I know that skinny jeans will die a slow, undernourished death, and that I can barely contain my glee as they fade.

See you on the flipside, skinny jeans! It's been a slice!

7 comments:

  1. Jeans in general can go fuck themselves right in the rivets as far as I'm concerned. Sure they go with everything, but who can ever find a pair that properly fits? Hell, if I weren't twenty-thou below the poverty line, I would kick these perpetual pains in the ass forever to the curb.

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  2. The skinny jeans trend has been here for too long. I'm ready for it to go away as well.

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  3. oh my god why won't the skinny jeans die? I went to 2 malls yesterday, and in every store... skinny jeans. Can't even find a pair of friggin khakis.

    Skinny jeans look stupid on everyone, or every-shape.

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  4. Sadly, 1 year and a month later after this post, skinny jeans are still worn by everyone from anorexics to the morbidly obese. It's just sick. We need a cure!

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  5. the skinny jean will never go away. I actually had a thought/discussion with myself as to why. The 1% our host is talking about is a little bigger and you must include the teen girls that haven't grown into their birthing hips yet or ever. Also "you are never to rich or skinny" is a motto in America. Don't you ever love hearing," look how thin you are?" I have being a competitive swimmer all my life and then getting Celiac where you can basically eat cardboard and that's it. So I am in that percentage up there, I love my boyfriend jeans and jeans that don't show every non pound on me however vanity is here to stay and the thin people want everyone else to know how skinny they are so therefore I believe they will never disappear.ACNE (stands for Ambition to Create Novel Express) JBrand, 7 for Mankind all came out with their shinnies this time around just like leggings were suppose to die. Jegging's anyone? leotajane.blogspot.com

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  6. I love your link to the ugly Old Navy shorts. I see that style EVERY. YEAR. and wonder who the hell is snatching them up enough to make Old Navy think they should keep carrying them.

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