Your Winter Hildascopes

 

"You are Special" David Shrigley (2019)

AS ALWAYS: All horoscopes are for every sign. Read them to your partner, kid, parent, boss, favourite barista, taxi driver, caseworker, branch manager, lover, teacher, and friends. Do not read them to your favourite AI agent. Share widely; read often; take whatever meaning feels most helpful. Leave the rest behind. 

Aries: One of the bigger joys of parenting is when your kid starts making jokes. My kid is now ten, and is evolving into someone who understands comedic timing, unexpected punchlines, and wordplay—some of the basics of making other people laugh. While my kid can crack the booger jokes you might expect of a tween, they can also be unexpectedly pithy, which is delightful. One of the things that pleases me most is that my mom is my most reliable comedic audience; she genuinely thinks I'm hysterical, which is extremely good for morale. I anticipate that I can provide the same service for my kid, and golly, what a pleasure. 
And also: Who laughs the most at your jokes?

Taurus: I go through phases in which I'm creatively juicy and creatively withered, and right now, I'm on the cusp. I've welcoming knitting back after a long hiatus; on the other hand, writing still feels like a stuffy room that I can't quite bear to be in. I am, fondly, a dilettante: I dabble in paper-cutting, collage, stained glass, zine-making, block printing, sewing, air dry clay, landing on each like a bumble bee before futzing away again. While every one brings me pleasure, I don't stay anywhere long enough to gain deep competence. But then again—is that a bad thing? I love my garden of hobbies, each one blooming in its own time. 
And also: Which of your hobbies feels nourishing? Which need a break?

Gemini: Being a human being is so embarrassing. We just finished watching Life On Our Planet, which presents evolution on a time frame measured in billions of years. At the very end of the last episode, humans emerge: first represented as hunter-gatherers, and then as an explosive montage of industry, production lines, factories, breakdancing, and natural destruction. As Morgan Freeman warns us, we've set off another mass extinction event (the previous ones were prompted by things like changes volcanic eruption and meteor impact). The previous episodes show, in unflinching detail and stunning beauty, the marvels of life on Earth; the last few minutes show our dedication to destroying it all in the name of free shipping and AI. God, we could just be so much better. 
And also: What in your life creates a sense of embarrassment?

Cancer: I have an irrational...not hatred, exactly, but let's say skepticism of Timothee Chalamet. Like, this guy? This is the guy? I find him zero percent attractive—there is a reason he was considered the vanguard of the admittedly problematic "hot rodent boyfriend" cohort of actors—and mid as an actor. Am I just old and grouchy? I have no idea (but also yes). I suspect that Chalamet is mostly a product of a Hollywood marketing machine that is desperate for saleable young men—Garfield and Pascal are getting older, Momoa is too unpredictable, Depp is yucky, and Pratt is spiritually oppressive—but good lord, the whole Chalamet project gives me the ick. 
And also: Where do you differ from the popular opinion?

Leo: I've been playing Dungeons and Dragons, off and on, since 2018. I've never felt super confident as a player—I'm often like "Oh no!" when instructed to roll for initiative, because in my female-socialized head, I'm like, "Oh shit, fighting is bad!"—but I generally have a good time. At its heart, D&D is about getting together with friends to pretend you are a bunch of dwarf clerics. Tomorrow, I'll be leading my first session, which I'm equal parts nervous and excited about. It's all laid out beautifully, but in my head I'm like, "Oh shit, I hope I'm good!" Which is what I'm thinking the rest of the time, too, so, y'know. Wish me luck, and wish me story-supporting rolls.  
And also: What activities stretch your abilities in fun ways?

Virgo: I've been playing a game lately! It's called "Is this perimenopause, or am I dying?" It includes lines of inquiry like "am I suddenly allergic to my own skin?" and "do all my friends hate me or am I just two days away from my period?" and "did I just hear my own knees?", all of which are just a hoot, as you can imagine. I feel like this stage of my life is peppered with small indignities, like nonsensical ovulation crushes, or farting when I squat down, and layered on top of the small indignities is the rather larger one of getting older as a woman in a culture that mocks young women and ignores older ones. I didn't say this was a fun game, Virgo. 
And also: How do you care for yourself in times of uncertainty?

Libra: Sometimes I think about going to art school. Like I told Taurus, I'm a bit of a dabbler, which causes me no real grief, but I do think about what it would be like to go be in an environment that is designed and duty-bound to force me towards creative dedication. I don't even know what I would study—OCAD courses range from the expected (Art History!) to the very much not (er, Experimental Animation). I'll also admit that art school feels irrelevant to me, a full-time single mom who works in the non-profit ecosystem. What, exactly, am I looking for when I yearn for art school? The chance to make work? Artistic community? Productivity? Or just a chance to express myself in unflappable new ways? 
And also: Which parts of yourself feel neglected? Which parts need to be seen?

Scorpio: Lately I've felt like fleeing the scene. It's a combination of things: winter this year has been brutal, just a never-ending series of indoor days and despair about the snow, the temperature, or both. I've been inactive—I'm fighting hard not to put the words "shockingly" or "disgustingly" in front of "inactive"—and my body feels creaky and upset. I crave movement, and lots of it, and running feels like it might actually answer my body's question: fight? or flight? I have been a runner, a lifetime ago, and for a short time (I prefer other ways of going fast, like cycling), but lately I've been thinking about the next time I can put on sneakers and just...go. 
And also: What stress responses feel productive? What responses make you feel stuck?

Sagittarius: When I was younger, I used to admire the women who were well accessorized. I was convinced that it was the secret to great style: a ring, a necklace, a belt, could tip the scales from "clothing" to "ensemble." And even though I wanted to accessorize more, I didn't...until recently. I started buying little rings at the thrift store, the kind I could stack up and lose with impunity. I made embroidery-floss bracelets that didn't scrape across my computer keyboard. I got necklaces from trusted friends, wallet chains that evoked 1990s raves, flower crowns, classic-looking belts. Now, I think the secret to looking put together might be styled hair and a bit of makeup—the goalposts move again—but at least I am adorned while I quest. 
And also: What areas of your life always feel unfinished? How do you interact with them?

Capricorn: In 2019 I mapped out all the playgrounds in Stratford, because I suspected we were living in a playground desert. I was right: our relatively central home was at least 800 meters as the crow flies from any playground, and more than two kilometers from the big playground; many of the local options are little pocket parks with no real roaming area. I find this head-shakingly sad, since Toronto has so many beautiful, innovative and accessible playgrounds. My favourite was the playground at Grange Park, behind the AGO: it's wildly fun, with real stakes (heights! fast slides!). I love Stratford: I want us to have beautiful, electrifying playgrounds. 
And also: What is missing from your home base? How can you add it? 

Aquarius: I'm going to keep speaking on playgrounds—imagine me cornering you and Capricorn at a party, slightly manic, sloshy drink in hand—because this isn't really about playgrounds. It's actually about who we value as citizens. It is so easy to dismiss the needs of children, or pay attention only when they feed adult priorities (see: school rankings based on student performance; see: education norms in general), but children deserve to access to play. Unstructured, structured, social, independent: we don't organize our societies around the idea that children are people, and that developmentally, they need play. Instead, we squeeze them into desks and routines. What a bummer. Children deserve better. (Slosh.)
And also: How do you care for the childlike parts of yourself? How do you care for the real-life children in your life?

Pisces: My all-time favourite source of horoscopes (aside from myself, of course) is Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology. My ex and I used to grab print issues of Now Magazine from their ubiquitous green newspaper boxes, and after the concert listings and the movie reviews, and before Savage Love on the last page, we would read each other's horoscopes aloud. They were usually little prose-poems, an offbeat insight into some previously unexamined part of our personality. They were funny, blunt, caring: exactly what you want in a horoscope. I loved them because they were exactly as meaningful as I wanted them to be. Sometimes, very much so; sometimes, not at all. 
And also: What are your most meaningful sources of information? Why do you trust them?