Tuesday, July 6, 2010

It's Too Hot To Think Of A Punny Title

Sometimes, like times like now, when the forecast is calling for more heat and horribleness than the average living human knows how to handle, it can be useful to compile a little list of things to be thankful for. That way, when you're walking down the street and your shoes are sticking to the melting asphalt, when small children are wailing in agony at the injustice of having to wear clothing, when you witness the pit of flame that can only be described as hell opening up in the walkway leading to your home, you can chill your brain cells out with the knowledge that these things are real and available in your world.

As a caveat, I swore to myself when I started this blog, that I would avoid the "list update," because it's generally lazy and annoying and it makes me miss Casey Kasem. But let's be honest: heat is a powerful brain ruiner, and I live in a world without air conditioning, so this will just have to do. I'm not going to kvetch, because feeding anything that could be described as "simmering rage" at this horrible heatwave means getting near something simmering, and I am just not going to do that. In short, I'm too damned hot to do anything but list things that are making me happy this week.

Things like...

...Thomas Pynchon, who wrote the insane and insanely good book The Crying of Lot 49 in 1966, and who, last fall, published a new book called Inherent Vice, which is kind of a 1960s romp through LA, and who proves that sometimes people should quit while they're ahead. Lot 49 is one of my very favourite WTF books, and I'm looking forward to re-reading it and trying to figure out exactly what the hell is going on, again. Plus, Pynchon himself is sort of fascinating.

...Princess Leia hairdos, and Yulia Tymoshenko hairdos, and basically any hairstyle that gets my thick, wavy, hot, heavy hair off my neck. I usually just jam a pencil into a bun and leave it at that, but I have a tendency to forgot they're in there and leave huge blue and black streaks all over everything. Also, while making out, I've accidentally stabbed people with my hair pens. Whoops!

...cover letters, which I've come to enjoy writing. "Dear Human Resources, I kick a metric ton of ass and would like to someday govern the Northwest Territories. I work well independently and as part of a team, and will often show an borderline-appropriate amount of cleavage that the men in the office will come to depend on to work efficiently. Please contact me through email for an interview."

....Facechatting, which is basically keeping me sane through these desolately friendless months. I'm well aware that these online chats aren't really comparable to real-life face-to-face conversations, but in this social wasteland, they're a welcome addition to the already-established phone, visit and email regimen.

...late-night walks. When the days are too hot - we suffered walking between the car and the movie theatre tonight - walking at night is lovely. A little cooler, with some dew on the grass and without the oppressive glaring sun making you wish for death at each new sidewalk square. Plus, who can argue with a midnight stroll to get Slurpees? That's what July's all about, yo.

...dirty, sexy songs. Because there's something so gratifying about listening to the words "I want to fuck you like an animal" while you're on one of your solo and be-headphoned late-night walks. For the record, other sexy tunes include a remixed Bjork's "Possibly Maybe" and Kevin Drew's "TBTF." I know there are more; I want to hear about them.

...Shopper's Drug Mart. I would live there if I could. It's air-conditioned, it's got all the Coke Zero I can drink, it has one of those fun blood-pressure machines, it's open until midnight, and it's stacked with froofy books and magazines. I love it. It's seriously one of my top destinations of all time. Recently, I like pairing it with a late-night walk, a sexy song on the iPod, and the desire to spend some time in a place that would be well-suited for the apocalypse.

I feel better. Later this week, when I'm staggering around downtown Stratford with a crazed gleam in my eye ("The people are making it too hot! If I get away from the people, I'll get cooler!"), I'll just close my eyes and repeat "Thomas Pynchon, in the Shopper's Drug Mart, with the cover letter." I highly suggest that you formulate your own heat-avoiding list, and I would love to hear about them. During these heat-wave days, when we're all basically living inside the lit end of a cigarette, giving your brain some soothing thoughts is the best way to avoid death by whining.

1 comment:

  1. I've been beating the heat by just laying in parks.
    Seriously my routine has been: wake up, cold shower, bike sloooowwww, get an iced Americano, lay in the park for 6 hours. I invite the people who walk by to join me, we chat, I take their photo: repeat.
    I wish you were around to join me.