Friday, June 12, 2009

Girls Jumping Out Of Cakes

Tomorrow marks the five-year anniversary of the Olsen twins' 18th birthday. Somewhere, some pervert is shedding an oily tear over the fact that his favourite underweight moppets are becoming two of America's mogul-iest of moguls: MK & A lead the charge on a whole avalanche of products, ranging from the usual (dolls, books, and videos) to the more anomalous: managing other sets of twins, or launching high-end fashion ventures, all while roaming the streets looking unshowered and possibly herpetic.

No matter! If either of the girls (even though they're now well into their 20s, I have a hard time referring to anyone who weighs less than 100 pounds as a "woman") does have sores, I'm sure she can massage it with a hundred-dollar bill. These girls are l.o.a.d.e.d. Like, richer than God. I'm sure that if Mary-Kate wanted to spend the rest of her life trying on designer dresses, drinking martinis and bathing in milk and honey, that would be no problem.

But neither of them actually do that. They're both firmly entrenched in their own empire - they actually design the clothes they sell for The Row (I would wager they're less involved in the line they vend over at Wal-Mart) and they go to fashion shows. Hell, Ashley went ahead and did an internship with Zac Posen, like she was any other gazillionaire student at NYU. Even though they totally have the money, the power, and what one might imagine to be the male version of the women, the Olsens never rest. I'm beginning to suspect that they're powered by caffeine injected directly their hearts.

Not only are they super successful, but they're also kind of funky - yeah, sometimes literally - and dress unusually and independently. They were part of the whole tween thing that Vanity Fair freaked out about a few years ago. Like Lindsay Lohan a few years later, the Olsen twins became their own internal combustion engine of gossip when MK toddled off to rehab for anorexia. One might point out that people usually traipse off to Cirque Lodge for things like addiction, usually to things like cocaine...but no bother.

The total frenzy that accompanied their 18th birthday was sort of an embarrassing moment, though, wasn't it? Okay, we get it: they're twins. They're blonde. They're nubile. They've been in the public eye since they were babies. They're....that list is kind of distracting, isn't it? Blonde twins...I feel like someone else has built an empire around those very characteristics. Okay, wait, back on track. They must have feel like they were living in a shark cage, what with all the frothing at the mouth regarding their upcoming anniversaire. (Living in a shark cage...I feel like someone else has built an empire around that, too. God, Olsens: is there no trend you have no set?)

I was totally fascinated with the Olsens around their 18th birthday, which coincided with the shitshorm about anorexia/drugs. As a slightly fat 20 year old, you can understand that my interest in the skinny and glamourous duo who were all over the gossip pages that summer, both for actual news (rehab) and pretend news (aging process). They've since gained ten pounds, I've lost twenty, and five years have passed. Even though they've faded slightly, and even though one of them tends to dress like a drunk octegenarian (they're twins - guess which one!) I still admire their choices, both in the business world and on the red carpet. So happy birthday, Mary-KateandAshley...and as a side note from a girl who knows, birthday cake is m'f'ing delicious. So have some.

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