Tuesday, April 28, 2009

iPod, Therefore I Am

My iPod just totally crapped out on me, which was directly inspired by my computer's self-inflicted death only seconds preceding it. Sigh. Whoever claimed technology was going to make my life easier clearly has never weighed the pros and cons of flinging a 7-year-old Dell out the window.

Pro: The fucker, which has recently developed HAL9000-like symptoms of doing the opposite of what I'd like it to do, will be dead.
Con: In the course of throwing it out my window, I may crush a jogger.
Actually, on second thought...
: In the course of throwing it out my window, I may crush a jogger.

Looks like everything's coming up daisies over at Casa Del Muerto Computerico.

I know I've railed against the alleged awesomeness of living in a post-digital world before. That was more of a general rant against things like Twitter (for the soulless), and failed to mention amazing advancements in humanity, like the drive-thru or the 3D movie. Although...as these "advancements" progress, I have to wonder if we're not going to advance ourselves right into 1957. Seriously...3D movies? What, Smell-O-Vision was too revolutionary? I feel like we're living in Back To The Future Part II, where everyone has a talking wristwatch and a digital beanie.

In any case, the sudden illness of my iPod is a total bummer. It's not broken - I didn't, like some people I know, put it through the washing machine. But as my computer was figuring out a way to ruin my day by dying, it decided to clean out the contents of my MP3 player. Sort of one last "Fuck you!" before whirring busily into the black death screen. A 21st century murder-suicide.

Now I have to go back, somehow cajole the Dell into behaving for more than 25 minutes while I reload the digital doodad, and then, and only then, can I toss the bastard out the window. This saves me time how? Yeah, okay, Walkmans are for chumps and Discmans are the most awkwardly designed product on the planet. On the other hand, aside from the mountains of batteries they consume, at least they fucking work. There's no "Oh, let me boot this up and plug this in and pray that these things will be compatible and oh, SHIT, I have a crappy Dell that can't handle a goddamn Word document, what's it going to do with iTunes, oh, phew, okay, let's just install this update and drag this icon over here and sync these things up and then eject - always eject! - it and ahhh....music."

Couldn't be simpler.

I like my MP3 player. It's easy to use, infinitely portable, possesses the strange ability to fuck with a plane's takeoff, and has Solitaire. But to use it, I need to work with my computer, and I hate my computer. It's like having two boyfriends: one who is sweet and makes me great mixtapes, and one who maliciously destroys my major essay the night before its due. But they're best friends, and I can't have the great mixtapes without hanging out with the essay-eater...and hating myself for it.

"So get a new computer," I can hear you saying. In the words of Randy Jackson: yo dawg, that's money. And seeing how my ass is un-em-ployed, there's precious little scrilla to be had for fun adventures in New Computerville. (Hell, some days, even Grocery Junction is a little too far down the tracks.) No, I'll wait it out, maybe spend some money to get the Evil Dell fixed, and pray that the next time it decides to wipe out of of my favourite tech-toys, it leaves my toaster oven alone.

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