Celine Dion Is Punk Rock

Yeah, you read that right. Celine Dion. Her heart's going on. She drove all night. Because you loved her. And, of course, it's all coming back to her...now. She is unstoppable, and awesome, and yet, when I whip her out as my unironic choice for "Artist You Would Rather Die Than Admit To Liking," I get groans and raised eyebrows.

I don't care. Celine is crazy. She is talented. Her music videos are always homages to windswept Bronte heroines. Her wedding made Luke and Laura's nuptials look understated (hint: they weren't): there were elephants and gold dresses. How can you not love that? She is unabashedly over the top. Somehow, when this characteristic surfaces in punk rock or the opera, everything's copacetic. But put in on Adult Contemporary and it's somehow the last word in trash? Give me a break.

Look, I know Dion is a nut. That's cool. Her songs are fun to sing along with. People need to quit defining themselves solely by their interests (see: Klosterman, Chuck) and get down with a little sing-along radio fun. Yeah, there was a tough moment there in '98 when you couldn't get away from that effing song. But mostly she's been big, silly, fun. She's country music without the hair; she's punk rock without the griminess. She is authentically goofy, and aware of her goofiness (no one rides an elephant to a wedding without knowing the answer to the question, "Will this make me look strange?" is an unequivocal "Yes, it will"), and celebrates it. Yeah, she loves a sequined outfit. So what? That's entertainment.

And good goddamn, it IS entertaining! Now excuse me. I have to somehow figure out a defense of those Disney soundtracks I still know all the words to.