Dude Hair

I'm not going to lie: a good head of hair is important to women. Not our own - although, Jesus, if Cosmo has taught me anything, a woman's hair is second only to nuclear war in the category of "Things that can really ruin your day" - but men's hair.

Some women prefer the long, flowing locks of Fabio but these women are insane. Long hair on men is unequivocally gross. Anything past the ears is too long. I recognize that trips to the barber are a chore, but dude hair that is unkempt and scraggly is just so gross. Also terrible is the coiffed long-haired dude. You know: the guy who goes to a salon and wears "product," has "movement" and makes me "want to die."

Real women know that a shorter 'do is best. Not the skinhead thing; it's a rare guy who works that. GQ points out it's mostly just a beacon that says "I AM LOSING MY HAIR" louder than any horseshoe shape ever would. Besides, if you have hair, and you're going bald...why rush it? You'll get there soon enough. (Sucker.)

So, not too long, not too short...and then there's the greatest stumbling block of all.

Facial hair. God, I love beards. There are as many ways to wear facial hair as there are men, but so many (SO MANY!) men fuck it up. I will dispense with the point-by-point breakdown of what's good and what's stupid. Let me just say this: if you have created this monstrosity for yourself, you need professional help. Not just with your beard, either. You need help with your whole damned life.

Myself, I'm a big fan of the indie beard. A little kept, well past pubescent, not overly sculpted, and definitely not hanging down into a sweater. No wax or pomade necessary. Just regular, standard-issue Beard. Rocking a solo mustache is for dads (Hi Dad!) and the goatee is tricky unless you're playing baseball for the Mariners. Beards are the Alpha and Omega of facial hair. Respect must be given. No weird scraggly bits or elaborate hair-cliffs that jut out from the face. Just straight, 100%, unadulterated Beard.

Oh, and a note to those who are graying: if you aren't regularly waking up behind a 7-11 with angel dust all down the front of your shirt, your youthful under-40 face will offset the gray. It makes a man seem distinguished; for those who are barely into their adult years, they add an air of worldliness that can be invaluable in women-dating and job-getting. Embrace it! And don't try to offset your new manliness by growing a mustache that wraps around your nipples.

I can't believe someone actually did that. Clearly, not enough people are reading this thing.