There are things happening behind the scenes that I don't want to broadcast, or at least not yet: domestic shakeups that are not yet fully formed, changes to lifestyle and habitat, and an overall sense that the plans I had made are maybe not the life I will live. But those things are yet to be finalized, and so focusing on a collection of small things while the Big Things thunder on in the background is where I'm at right now.
And, oh, what small things! In no particular order:
- Spring is here, and that is very good for morale. The garden is popping off, and the azaleas and rhododendrons are not messing around. Pure beauty. Every year, I have delusions that I will make dandelion wine or pickle magnolias; every year, the moment passes and I don't do it, taking me one step farther from being a self-sufficient forager type and/or cool weird hippie, but likewise, every year I enjoy the spring more and more. I get why retired people get really into their gardens. It's good out there.
- It's been an utterly fabulous friendship time. I feel wildly blessed that so many good people have collected around me. How? I don't know, but I don't take it for granted. These are people who make me laugh until I cry, who laugh at my jokes (the dream!), who hold me when I cry, who send thoughtful cards, who linger on my front porch, who walk with me, whose kids I love, and whose advice I take. Friendship wounds have crossed my life in many ways and those scars can run deep, but right now, I feel like the small collection of besties I've somehow ended up with are absolutely the right people for me.
- Likewise! Beyond just ("just") friends, I am having a really nice community moment. The volunteer work I do with the climate group and on the library board is so generative and positive! I feel good about it! The relationships in those spaces there aren't friendships, but they are friendly and rooted in mutually aligned goals and values, which is affirming and feels important. Plus, because my paid work is remote and my colleagues are spread far and wide, having people that I sit at an actual table with feels like a novelty, but a good one.
- I'm on a Harry Potter fanfic kick, and while it is DEEPLY embarrassing to be known in this way, I have to admit that the reading of the fanfic has been SO FUN. It's so fun. I have many theories on why fanfic is so fun, but it's basically spending even more time with your imaginary friends, and who doesn't want that? This is like discovering several new seasons of your favourite sitcom, or a sequel to your favourite movie, and as an added bonus, it comes with much less of the terrible politics of the author, and a lot of in-jokes and snark.
- I just broke four years on Duolingo. I spent a year learning Japanese and retained none of it; I've moved on to Spanish and I'm...medium-bad? This is more of a phone game than a language acquisition process, but I know the Spanish word for owl now, and I didn't before.
- I am struggling with time management right now, and I know it will get worse in the summer. I am not really a morning person, and in order to be effective, I need to get out of the house and do something right away, and then go to work. On the days I have my kiddo, the commute to school is usually enough structure to get me to my desk by 9:30; on the days I don't, I can be a gormless prawn on the couch for several hours before I haul myself to the computer. I need to break this habit, because it doesn't serve me. At the same time, I am really a person who enjoys evening work, and that is hard when I have to simultaneously do a bedtime routine. Advice on this balancing act appreciated, although I suspect it boils down to "be a different person" and that's tough.
- My creative goals are all over the place right now, but they include (and are not limited to) the following: making friendship bracelets; framing and hanging my art; making new art; creating a kitchen-themed oracle deck; writing more chapters on my weird time-travel novel; figuring out what to do with the three yards of neon-orange mesh fabric I bought last summer; deep cleaning my house (not technically creative, but key to the creative process); refinishing the dining room table; and maybe cooking some new or low-rotation foods.
- By the same token, one vision I have for the summer is a Weekend of Indulgence, where I just go and eat at all the good restaurants, scarf down pastries, buy some trinkets or fancy books; walk through some natural areas, and wear some great clothes. I know for many people this is also slightly-elevated normal life, but right now it feels like a real reach. Not in a poor-me kind of a way; in a "this will be special" kind of way. Holler if you want to join!
- I realized recently that the fight-or-flight hormones that had been flooding my body for....many years....pretty much constantly....have largely ebbed away. My overall anxiety is way down, along with the intrusive thoughts and generalized panic. I feel like myself for the first time in a long time, and it turns out, I like myself! I can put my foot in my mouth still, or have hard days, or struggle with motivation, but the sheer bad-feeling-ness that had become my "normal" has been a mega relief to slough off. I'm smart and funny, strategic and weird, and I have things, people, and goals in my life that feel like they fit. I like it. I'm happy.
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